Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Close the window

In 18 months of Weight Watchers I've officially had my first really big slip up.
I'm not talking about a vacation splurge or weekend binge.
I'm talking
Emphasis on fat.
One week before reaching lifetime status no less.
Talk about crappy timing.
Or maybe it was perfect timing.
Ever since reaching my goal in June I got sloppy.
I got cocky, I thought I could just return to some of my old ways.
I wasn't tracking.  I was splurging more.  And the working out stopped all together.
Then we went on vacation for a week the first of July and all hell pretty much broke loose.
I knew there was no way I'd make lifetime that week we got back.  I knew I was more than two pounds over goal, so I did something I hadn't done this entire journey.  I skipped my meeting on purpose saying I'd get back on track on my own and weigh in the following week when I was sure I'd be back at goal.
Big mistake.
One week turned into two, which turned into three, which turned into four.......
Everyday I said I'd start tomorrow.
Or I'd start on Monday.
And then take that as a free pass to eat whatever I wanted in the meantime.
It's almost scary how fast the pounds pile back on when you're in a downward spiral like that.
Pretty soon shorts I'd worn just a month ago now barely button.
Now I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself I couldn't even bare to go back to my meetings and face the music.
You'd think I was the first person ever to mess up.  Or like I thought they'd all stone me as I walked through the doors.
My WW leader sends out emails about once a week.  Inspirational stories, tips, meeting recaps.  This past weeks really hit home.  It was all about slip ups and getting back on track.
Talk about a divine intervention.
I immediately emailed her back and said it couldn't have come at a better time, that she would see me on Saturday morning, that I'd be the one with her head down and her tail between her legs.
I needed to do that.  I needed to make myself accountable to someone else.  I knew if someone was expecting me to be there I'd be more likely to actually go.
So Saturday morning, like some weird deja vu experience 18 months later, I sat on my couch with my keys in my hand, knowing I had to go.  I had to do something about it.
I couldn't lose everything I'd worked so hard for.
Walking in those doors was like a breath of fresh air. 
Like I was home. 
I know, it sounds cheesy.  Or like I'm some recovering alcoholic who needs to go to AA, but for me the meetings just work.  They've been such a huge part of my success I'm not sure what crazy idea I had thinking I didn't need to go.  In all honesty, it's when I needed to go the most. 
So many people ask me if the meetings are really necessary.  Can't they just do the online only version?  And for some people that may work.  But for me, I need the meetings.  I need that accountability and it's now blatantly obvious what happens when I try to go it all on my own. 
Could I do it?  Probably.  But I'd much rather have my support system there to pick me up when I fall.
I kind of hate that this blemish now has to be a part of my journey.  But in a way I almost think it needed to happen.  I needed to make this mistake so I could learn from it.  I needed to realize that it's ok to trip as long as you get right back up.  Someone shared a story that really stuck with me, a story I hope sticks with me for a really long time.
So you're out shopping on a beautiful day and all of a sudden it starts to downpour. 
You think, "Oh no, I left the windows wide open at home!" 
What do you do?  Rush home and close the windows right? 
You don't think, "Why bother?  Everything is already getting wet and damaged." 
You certainly wouldn't wait until the morning. 
Or tell yourself you'll close them on Monday? 
 Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?
If only I had forced myself to go back after the initial disaster and owned up to my mistakes instead of trying to cover them up and fix it on my own.
If only I had closed the window.