Friday, September 27, 2013

Friday Confessional

The Juice is Worth the Squeeze
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I ate cookies and coffee for breakfast.  I've told myself Sunday is the deadline for this all you can eat pity crapfest if I want to drop 15 pounds before even thinking about getting pregnant again.

Last night at the movies we were in one of the Fork and Dine theaters so the server would occasionally come up and down the aisles to bring food and drinks.  He would literally speed race up and down the stairs and I kept thinking how funny it would be if he fell.  That probably makes me a bad person, but I'm sorry, people falling is funny.  As long as they don't get hurt of course, I'm not totally heartless.

Last week we went to a cookout with some friends and I said I would bring some sides.  I had all these grand intentions of making some elaborate new recipes off pinterest. Instead I bought a can of baked beans and boxed pasta salad.

I had a patient yesterday who's well into her third year of life and still breastfeeding several times a day.  I think that's weird.

The other night I let Jamie eat a peanut butter sandwich and M&Ms for dinner.  It was a Monday.  The husband was working late.  Enough said.

Yesterday afternoon we had a staff meeting and a lunch order was passed around.  I just assumed it would be paid for like it had been in the past so when they said to make sure to bring cash I was surprised.  I honestly wanted to just say never mind and cancel my order, but didn't want to look like a total cheapskate.  But I am cheap.  And would have been just as happy eating a lunch I brought from home I'd already paid for.

I think any way of eating that gets its own name is a fad diet.  Hello Paleo, I'm looking at you.

I've tried countless home made, from scratch, macaroni and cheese recipes but really think the good ole blue box from Kraft is the best.  Even better leftover the next day.  I know.  I'm weird.

The husband and I watched an entire season of Scandal in one week.  That's dedication right there.

Between the miscarriage and Jamie's surgery I haven't had a full nights sleep in weeks.  I'm exhausted.  Not to mention I either have bad allergies or a cold.  The bags under my eyes need their own zipcode.  If I could check myself into the Betty Ford Clinic for a week I would.  Though a week on a beach sounds nice too.

I still lurk on the May 2014 mommy board.  That's probably not helping the bitter/angry phase I'm in.  At least I got rid of the "Only Child Expiring" shirt for Jamie.  Baby steps.

I thought I was going to make it through an entire episode of Parenthood without crying.  And then Ryan proposed.  Damn you Parenthood.  Every.single.time.

Confessions.  They're good for the soul.
Happy Friday!  It's nice to see you, you sexy son of a bitch!

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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

And the winner is......

Lucky commenter number 1!
Seriously.  How often does that happen?!
Congrats Maria!  Even if you are a Michigan fan.
Enjoy the movie and GO BUCKS!  ;)
 
Thanks to all who entered!


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Monday, September 23, 2013

Fresh Start

 
I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a Monday.
To say last week was long would be the understatement of the century.
It was one long ridiculous roller coaster.
And the ride didn't end with a miscarriage.
Nope.
Just 36 hours after losing one baby, I was checking my first baby in to Children's Hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed.
The surgery had been scheduled for weeks, yet the timing couldn't have been worse on my mama heart.  Though I will admit it did offer the perfect distraction from everything else.  It kind of let me push pause on all those pregnancy loss emotions and put them on the back burner.  And there they've stayed.  Friday a Big Brother shirt I had ordered for Jamie arrived.  A shirt I'd toiled over for days to make sure it was just right.  A shirt reading "Only Child: Expiring May 2014."  When I got the mail and saw the package I knew exactly what it was.  I took a deep breath, opened the envelope and prepared myself, but as I looked at that shirt I felt nothing.  I didn't shed a tear, I barely batted an eye.  I just put the shirt somewhere I wouldn't have to deal with it for awhile.  Kind of like I did with my feelings.  Not sure when they're going to boil over. I know I can't leave them shoved back there forever, but for the time being it's working for me.  And if it's not broke.  Don't fix it. 
So instead I consumed my weekend with mending my little patient instead of my broken heart.
We ate lots of ice cream and comfort foods.
I drank beer.
We watched lots of cartoons.
We stayed in our PJs all day.
We played golf in our slippers.
Hung out with my family.
Built crazy eyed Mr. Potato Heads.
We laughed.
It was actually pretty perfect.
And exactly what I needed.
But now I'm ready for normal.
Ready to get back into our regular routine.
Hopeful for a fresh start.



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Thursday, September 19, 2013

6 weeks, 6 days

For 6 weeks and 6 days I got to call you mine.
I made plans for you.
Wondered if you'd be a boy or a girl.
Imagined you with curly hair like your mama and blue eyes like your daddy.
I Pictured us as a family of four.
For 6 weeks and 6 days you made Jamie a big brother.
Every night he'd ask to read his new special book.
He'd carry your picture around, so proud of his little peanut.
He was convinced he was having a baby sister.
For six weeks and 6 days we celebrated you.
Shared the news.
Prayed for you.
Everyone was so excited.
You were so loved, even from the very start.
From the moment I saw those two little lines you were our baby.
Then as quickly as you came into our lives, you were gone.
Just like that as if you never existed at all.
I may never get to hold you in my arms, but you'll forever be in my heart.
You will forever be a part of our story.
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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Today I'm pregnant.

First of all, for all those non instagrammer's out there.
Yep.
The rumors true.
I'm pregnant!
My little boy is going to be a BIG brother!
I had fully intended on a cutesy announcement post for today, but baby had other plans so I had to go with plan B.  Thank you for all your prayers and kind words in regards to yesterdays post.
The bleeding continues, but the doctors aren't entirely sure why.
And of course they'd prefer I NOT be bleeding (ummm, me too!), but for now it's my "normal."
So now we just wait and see.
A crystal ball sure would be nice!
I know a lot of women find it taboo to announce so early, especially when they've had as rocky as a start as I have, but so many of you have supported me through my highest of highs and my lowest of lows, so when things started going south this was one of the first places I wanted to turn.
Despite the cobwebs around here lately, I do still love to write, it's very therapeutic for me to just put it all out on paper.  And this is part of my story, whether I like it or not, and I wanted to share it.
Because today I'm pregnant.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to say that tomorrow.  Or next week.
I'm not sure if this pregnancy is going to end with a healthy baby or heartbreak.
But today, for the second time this week, we saw a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.
And for that I'm grateful.
Though after some spotting over the weekend and now the bleeding, I'm not sure how many more scares I can take.
I'm starting to feel myself view this pregnancy with a bit of a guarded heart.
Afraid to get too attached for fear that it will be ripped away from me.
The innocence of those early days where I would picture us as a family of four are now long gone.
I hate that I now have so much fear and doubt.  I hate that I've lost faith in our little peanut who's proven themselves time and time again to be quite the fighter.
So I'm trying to be strong.
 I'm trying to take each day at a time.
And today, I'm pregnant.


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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Mama's Intuition

When I imagined announcing my second pregnancy, I pictured it to be all rainbows and butterflies.
Happiness.
Excitement.
Congrats and best wishes all around.
A little boy, with a Big Brother book.
Instead, within an hour of sharing our news with the Instagram world, my world came crashing down.
36 hours after seeing our baby bouncing around, hearing a heartbeat, putting my mind at ease, I saw what no pregnant woman wants to see.
Bright red.
I immediately called to my husband that something was wrong.
I needed to call someone.
The on-call doctor did not seem overly concerned.
He tried to assure me that bleeding in early pregnancy can be "normal."
That we saw a strong heartbeat just the day before and that's a great sign
I'm trying to put my faith in that.
But I can't shake this bad vibe that something is not right.
I can't shake my gut feeling that there's nothing normal about this.
For now I feel like I'm in limbo until I can get more answers tomorrow. 
Praying that everything is just fine.
Hoping my mama's intuition is wrong.

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{Giveaway Closed} Disney's Little Mermaid

I don't know about you, but The Little Mermaid is one of my all time favorite Disney Movies.
I can pretty much still sing every line of every song.
Thankfully for all of you, this isn't a vlog, so I'll spare you my horrible off key rendition of "Part of Your World"
Consider yourselves lucky.
What I can offer instead is the chance to win your very own Diamond Edition 2-Disc Blu-ray+DVD Combo Pack with Digital Copy.



All you have to do to get the chance to have this Disney classic in your home is leave a comment with your favorite Little Mermaid song.  That's it.  Easy enough right?  A winner will be chosen at random and announced on Tuesday, Sept 24.  Good luck!
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I received a copy of the movie in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own.  Contest only open to U.S. and Canada residents, ages 18+ who are followers of The Juice is Worth the Squeeze.