Monday, July 19, 2010

Open Letters

Dear Baby Doctor,
Thanks for not even bothering to do an internal exam today because "Let's be honest, I doubt you've made any progress since last week." Really??!? Last week I wasn't dilated at don't think I've managed one stinkin' cm since then?? Not even one? I hope I go into labor before next weeks appt just so I can shove it in your face.

Dear Ultrasound Woman,
You're awesome. Thank you for assuring me I do not in fact have a 12 pound baby growing in me.

Dear Weather Bug
Please stop flashing the disgusting temp outside. You don't think I'm aware at this point that we're in an extreme heat advisory?! I'm lugging around a 6.5 pound human. Every pore in my body is sweating. I know how hot it is.

Dear Patient,
Thanks for telling me that I will be at least 1 week late and then continuing to tell me your horrific labor stories. I rank you just above my weather bug and just below my OBGYN. Now let me shove this giant impression tray into your mouth...because if I have to have to suffer.

Dear Plumber,
I'm no expert, but I don't think my shower is supposed to drain through the light in my garage. Just a hunch.

Dear Instruction writer of Levelor Blinds,
15 minutes my ass. You come to my house, using only the directions YOU wrote and let's see you hang this window blind in 15 minutes as stated so clearly on the box.

Dear Black Forest Gummy Worm people,
You rock. Keep on keepin' on.

Dear Jamie,
Mama loves you, but if you thought you wanted to dislodge yourself from my left side so I could walk without shooting pain that would be awesome. And by the way, we hung your blind yesterday (with no help from the directions might I add) so there's no fear of being stolen like the Lindbergh baby. Feel free to come out at anytime. We're ready.



KatiePerk said...

You poor thing! But how exciting that you are ready!!

KLaw said...

I feel your pain. I'm sorry for the idiots! Want me to come kick some ass? I'd be happy to!

d.a.r. said...

Just not before Saturday!! You are coming to lunch on Sat. right???

mrs.g said...

"Now let me shove this giant impression tray into your mouth...because if I have to have to suffer."


Mrs. Pick said...

Hang in there! Love your open letters---what a great way to vent!

Domestic Goddess said...

hang in there girl!!! ah..people sometimes! are you coming tomorrow night?? wink wink

Brown Girl said...

Wait a minute, the little one is the size of a watermelon, are you serious?? Bless you. I'm saving all these posts to remind myself not to get preggo, not that I need help remembering. ;)

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Haha! I love the patient letter.

bananas. said...

OMG what if you had a 12 lb baby. yowza! i once read about a 14 lb baby...14 LBS!!!!!! gah! my vagina just screamed.

Jax said...

hahaha! This is awesome...esp the black forest gummy worms comment... :) Hilarious, girl. I seriously hope you get to meet your bundle of joy soon! I just blogged about hot HOT it is in this area of the country right now too...I am sending cooling thoughts your way b/c girl, if I'm this hot and I don't have a baby inside me, I couldnt imagine.

Come on, Jamie!!!! We want to meet you!

Brittany Ann said...

Come on Jamie! We all want to meet you! And your momma deserves some sweet relief!

Stephanie said...

You're too cute! Sorry there are some sucky people right now, just focus on Jamie. He'll be here soon!!! :)

brooke said...

oh well yowza yeah a 12 pounder would be quite scary!!! although i don't trust any machine or doctor to tell me the weight as with both of mine they said i should deliver right around a low 7 pound baby and both my gals were just below 9!!!!

Jules said...

That is such crap that he didn’t at least check. I would be mad too. I’m glad you had a good experience with the Ultrasound lady.

This summer has been unbearably hot and I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you with being pregnant. Jamie will be here soon!

You patient must have been an idiot. I would not be telling a woman that has my moth in her hands labor stories. She deserved it ;)

I love your letter to Jamie and the one about the blinds is some funny stuff.

ModernMom said...

Ug the heat must be making you crazy! Go and eat some ice cream:)