Dear Baby Doctor,
Thanks for not even bothering to do an internal exam today because "Let's be honest, I doubt you've made any progress since last week." Really??!? Last week I wasn't dilated at all...you don't think I've managed one stinkin' cm since then?? Not even one? I hope I go into labor before next weeks appt just so I can shove it in your face.
Dear Ultrasound Woman,
You're awesome. Thank you for assuring me I do not in fact have a 12 pound baby growing in me.
Dear Weather Bug
Please stop flashing the disgusting temp outside. You don't think I'm aware at this point that we're in an extreme heat advisory?! I'm lugging around a 6.5 pound human. Every pore in my body is sweating. I know how hot it is.
Thanks for telling me that I will be at least 1 week late and then continuing to tell me your horrific labor stories. I rank you just above my weather bug and just below my OBGYN. Now let me shove this giant impression tray into your mouth...because if I have to suffer....you have to suffer.
I'm no expert, but I don't think my shower is supposed to drain through the light in my garage. Just a hunch.
Dear Instruction writer of Levelor Blinds,
15 minutes my ass. You come to my house, using only the directions YOU wrote and let's see you hang this window blind in 15 minutes as stated so clearly on the box.
Dear Black Forest Gummy Worm people,
You rock. Keep on keepin' on.
Mama loves you, but if you thought you wanted to dislodge yourself from my left side so I could walk without shooting pain that would be awesome. And by the way, we hung your blind yesterday (with no help from the directions might I add) so there's no fear of being stolen like the Lindbergh baby. Feel free to come out at anytime. We're ready.