After my mom died it seemed when people didn't know what to say, they went with the standard "she's always with you now." I'd usually smile and nod, but on the inside I hated it. Of all the things people said, that's what irked me the most. No she's not. She's not here. I can't see her. I can't talk to her. It's not the same, so stop saying it. It doesn't make me feel any better.
A little over a year later I was heartbroken to see one of my blog friends had recently lost her dad. She talked about how upsetting it was he wouldn't be there for all those big moments she still had left to live. And you know what I said? Don't worry. He'll be there. He's always with you now.
Before you go all "kettle meet pot" on me, hear me out.
There was this stupid top 40 song that was popular right before my mom got sick. You've probably all heard it. It wasn't the worst song ever, but not one of my favorites. Apparently my mom loved it. She always was a sucker for crappy pop radio. On one of our many drives to and from the hospital this song came on the radio and my dad mentioned how much she liked, how she'd sing along and put her hands up. To be honest I don't even know what its called or who sings it, but from that moment on it became my mom's song.
I heard it a lot right after she died and it always made me smile. Like she was there, singing along. I often thought to myself how sad it would be when the stations stopped playing it to replace it with the next big hit. Oddly enough, I still hear that goofy song. Usually right when I need to hear it most. When we bought our new car last year...it was the first song we heard as we drove off the lot. I took it as a sign she approved. Even last month when we were at the Cotton Bowl, my dad and I were standing in line at the concession stands and wouldn't you know it started playing. I should have known she'd be there to cheer on her favorite team.
It may have taken me a little while, but eventually I began to see the truth in what all those people were trying to tell me. No she's not physically here anymore. No I can't talk to her. But she's still here in a different way. Even if it is just some silly ole song.