Monday, February 6, 2012

Finding peace

After my mom died it seemed when people didn't know what to say, they went with the standard "she's always with you now."  I'd usually smile and nod, but on the inside I hated it.  Of all the things people said, that's what irked me the most.  No she's not.  She's not here.  I can't see her.  I can't talk to her.  It's not the same, so stop saying it.  It doesn't make me feel any better.

A little over a year later I was heartbroken to see one of my blog friends had recently lost her dad.  She talked about how upsetting it was he wouldn't be there for all those big moments she still had left to live.  And you know what I said?  Don't worry.  He'll be there.  He's always with you now.

Before you go all "kettle meet pot" on me, hear me out.

There was this stupid top 40 song that was popular right before my mom got sick.  You've probably all heard it.   It wasn't the worst song ever, but not one of my favorites.  Apparently my mom loved it.  She always was a sucker for crappy pop radio.  On one of our many drives to and from the hospital this song came on the radio and my dad mentioned how much she liked, how she'd sing along and put her hands up.  To be honest I don't even know what its called or who sings it, but from that moment on it became my mom's song. 

I heard it a lot right after she died and it always made me smile.  Like she was there, singing along.  I often thought to myself how sad it would be when the stations stopped playing it to replace it with the next big hit.  Oddly enough, I still hear that goofy song.  Usually right when I need to hear it most.  When we bought our new car last was the first song we heard as we drove off the lot.  I took it as a sign she approved.  Even last month when we were at the Cotton Bowl, my dad and I were standing in line at the concession stands and wouldn't you know it started playing.  I should have known she'd be there to cheer on her favorite team.

It may have taken me a little while, but eventually I began to see the truth in what all those people were trying to tell me.  No she's not physically here anymore.  No I can't talk to her.  But she's still here in a different way.  Even if it is just some silly ole song.


Jamie said...

Beautifully said!
I lost my grandma, who I was very close to, in 2010 and my mom, cousins and I have this thing about dragonflies meaning she's with us. I see dragonflies more now than I ever did in the 27 years I had her here with me. :)

Lindsey said...

While I haven't lost anyone close to me, I see exactly what you are saying. Just something that brings you back to when you are with that person. The smell of a certain perfume or cologne, a weird saying, anything that we hold onto to make that person feel close to us again. Hugs!

Lindsey said...

You are such a great writer, well said!

J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa at Tall Blonde said...

Love this. Great post!

Erin Reissig said...

I love knowing that while your heart will never be whole without her, that you are healing. Much love!

Mrs. G said...

When I lost my friend last year the song I heard before I left to go to the hospital was "If I die young." It stopped me in my tracks and every word had so much resonance to the situation and when I drove home from saying goodbye it was the first song on the radio and it has stuck with me ever since. It is still hard to listen to but every time I do I think of Matt and him being mad at me for having a county song remind me of him.

dave and jenn said...

I think you summed this up perfectly. :) I feel the same way about my dad!

Molly said...

I'm so glad you've found peace with this. I know it can't replace having them here. But after my best friend died, I still have a lot of peace from knowing that my best friend will always be with me.

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

Perfectly said = ) It just takes time and we feel and understand how even though those we love may not be visually in our sight, they have a way of being present when we need to know they are. What a blessing! Great post. = D


Married...with a Pup said...

I truely loved this post. And I'm so glad to hear/see that one day things that remind me of my Dad will make me smile. Gives me something to look forward to some day!

I'm so happy to hear that you feel your mom around you!

Jordan said...

It's amazing that your mom left you that song as a sweet reminder of her presence. Sometime around the time when Bayler was sick, I heard about a connection with rainbows and loved ones lost. On the way home from his funeral we saw a triple rainbow. Pretty cool! It was almost like it solidified to me that he was okay and despite the awful situation, he was okay and God was still good (even though it was hard to understand at the time).

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

I had a friend that died a few years ago and very much understand how special a song can be, even if it is something silly. It's nice to have those little reminders of people who are no longer with us physically.

Gwen said...

I feel the same connection to a song we played at Mom's funeral. Every time I hear it I know she's watching over me. And it's funny because last night I was having a breakdown ready to freak out on Dad because of the whole house sell thing and I heard the song coming from the back room. It may have just been a commercial but it was definitely Mom's way of telling me not to beat my Dad. Love you my friend!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I have something similar with my grandpa. We would always say things about humming birds and now everytime I see one, I think of him and smile.

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