Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One day at a time

So I've started a post about 5 different times in the last week and each time I'm left staring at a blank screen. I don't want my blog to become a bevy of depressing post after depressing post but unfortunately that's my life these days.
I started back to work last week.
Hello awkward.
People just don't know what to say...so they stare at you with "sad" eyes and treat you like you have 3 heads.
I've gotten more pats on the back and "How ya doing's?" in the past week then in my entire life combined.
I appreciate the condolences and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but it's getting kind of old to be constantly reminded of the one thing you're trying so hard to forget.
Some days I do forget, and twice have gone to call my mom only to quickly realize I can't.
Some days it feels like she's on vacation...and we'll get to catch up soon, but I know that isn't true.
Some days I smile and laugh and then wonder if people think that's weird and maybe I shouldn't be doing that either.
I cry over the weirdest things....like a trip to Hobby Lobby. I don't even like Hobby Lobby. I used to hate when my mom would drag me to those craft like stores looking for a bargain. And now here I am...standing in the fall clearance aisle...crying about a 66% off scarecrow that I know she would have loved simply because it was only $5.00.
No wonder people stare at me like I have 3 heads.


My friends have been amazing.
The out of the blue phone calls, texts, emails and cards always brighten my day.
The stocked fridge from all the delicious food they've brought.
The plants and flowers that show up on my doorstep.
None of it has gone unnoticed.
A group of my blog friends took me out to dinner last week.
It was the first time I felt like myself, like no one was judging me for having a good time or talking down to me like I might cry at any moment.
They also gave me a gorgeous dove necklace from Tiffany's.
Little did they know we had used the dove as the "theme" for all my mom's funeral programs and cards. I've been wearing it all week and it makes me feel like I always have a piece of her with me.


I live most days in a fog.
I take the days one at a time.
Cause honestly I can't manage more than that.






23 comments:

Lucky in Love said...

You're amazing. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through and it breaks my heart terribly...but I want you to know that I am thinking of you always.

Jessica said...

Your such a strong person, I cant even imagine what you are going through, but I have been praying for you!

SG to SP said...

It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. And having amazing, supportive friends is priceless.

Stephanie said...

Like the other comments you are so strong and amazing! I can't begin to imagine your pain. I'm so glad you have a core group of friends who took you out and treated you well and were able to allow you to be yourself for a little bit! Sending you hugs!!

Brown Girl said...

I'm thinking of you girl...no pat on the back from me...I'd hug your ass. ;)

Gwen said...

Still praying for you girl. And people will start to go back to normal soon. I promise they will. Until then it's okay to cry in the middle of the Hobby Lobby isle. I still do looking at cards on Mother's Day. And I know people think I'm crazy when I randomly sob in my car at a stop light. We all have our moments.

Saying you almost called your mom reminded me of something my friend did when her father passed away. She would write in a journal letters to him when she felt she needed to talk to him. Maybe something like that would help you also.

Love you girl!!!

Gwen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Molly B said...

I think that I would be the exact same way that you are....I think that people are at a loss for words and want you to know that they are there for you and thinking of you...cause I sure am! You are a strong woman- I know that you will get through this- God is always looking after you! Think of you often and still want to do coffee sometime and meet Jamie....

Jesslee said...

No one should expect any certain behavior from you, you are doing all you need to... which is taking one day at a time and dealing with your emotions as they come. Laugh, cry -just do what you feel and don't worry about what people think! Know that I am thinking of you often and am always a text/email away. Like I've said before my hubs is a sports addict so I'm readily available if you need a friend!

d.a.r. said...

I've been thinking of you a lot, lately. So glad the girls could take you out last week and give you a piece of normalcy!! I can't wait to see you in a few weeks for our Christmas get-together!

Do what you need to do. There are no rules for how you are supposed to be coping. Make sure you aren't too hard on yourself :) And please....let me know if there is anything you need!

Kristen said...

What a sweet gift. Crying, laughing and remembering are all a part of the grieving process, and everyone is different, don't be hard on yourself.

Melissa said...

You're so strong and I admire how you're handling everything.

You have every right to still smile and laugh, so I hope you don't think people are judging you for it. You deserve to still have happy moments even though you're dealing with a terrible loss.

Molly said...

Wow, yes, that must be pretty awkward at work. I can only imagine. But time moves on and those people will probably start acting normal soon enough.

But I know your pain will always be there. I'm so sorry still. This scares me because I didn't go to the doctor for a month and when I did I found out I had pneumonia. I mean, I knew it was serious but what happened to your mom made me realize how stupid I was for not paying attention to my own health. I just wish this hadn't happened to you though. But your strength amazes me.

And I feel you on the Hobby Lobby thing. Sometimes the weirdest things can cause a mental breakdown.

(((hugs)))

KLaw said...

You are one amazing woman. I envy your strength. We are here with you.

Kristen said...

what a fantastic gift from your blog friends. I hope things can get easier for you soon. ~hugs~

dave and jenn said...

In time, those reminders will bring a smile instead of tears. It sounds cheesy, but I promise it's true. Your mom will always be with you! I'm so sorry for your continued pain. I know how awkward it can be during this time...

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I think if you have to take it one day at a time then that's what you do. All the sorrys and pats on the back can't rush you into feeling like your old self.

I personally think you're doing way stronger than I ever would be.

MissBrightside said...

When my Daddy died I decided that I was just going to feel how I felt and put out a fair warning. I cried when I felt like it, I laughed when I was able and I talked about him all the time.
Things never really got back to normal, because normally my Daddy would be alive, but it did get better...but I still cry anytime I want :O)

Brittany said...

Thinking of you and praying for you.

Jax said...

I am so sorry.. Praying for peace, comfort, and sending love and thoughts and hugs... Having lost my father, I can say taking one day at a time is truly the only way I know to be... Anytime you want to blog, we're here for you, girl. When you're not blogging, we're still here for you....

Jordan said...

I've been thinking of and praying for you and your family. I think you should do whatever you need to (or not) to cope. It's a totally personal thing. I'm sure pretty soon people will stop acting so strange around you and life will become the "new normal". Also, if there's anything I can do to help, let me know.. if it's food, baby-sitting, or you just want to do something to keep busy, feel free to let me know!

In this wonderful life... said...

thinking of you sweet girl. hang in there! Maybe she is rocking Cohen to sleep. He is lucky to have such sweet ladies up there!

The Friendly Skies said...

Hey girlie... I am so sorry! I haven't commented much anywhere but I've been thinking of you! You are so strong but this is hard to get through so take your time and don't think you should be feeling anything but what you are feeling.

Just remember that your mom gets to look down on your family from heaven now. She will always be a part of you and your family.

Let me know if you need anything! I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!