Monday, December 27, 2010

Are you ok?

A few weeks ago my doctor asked me this at my yearly checkup.
I immediately knew what she was referring to and instantly burst into tears.
The weeks leading up to the holidays were hard.
Almost harder than the initial shock.
I found myself crying almost everyday....usually in the car on my drive to and from work.
But sometimes just out of the blue, like sitting on the floor, wrapping Christmas gifts.
I started to wonder if this was normal.
Was I ok?
I guess.  About as ok as anyone would be.
I'm certainly no expert in the grief department.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her and I find it hard to believe this emptiness will ever go away.
Some days I feel more sad than others....and some days I feel mad.
Everyone keeps telling me she's still here, just in a different way.
I know they're trying to help...but for me it isn't helpful at all.
She's not here.  Period.
I just haven't figured out what's best for me.
I'm not depressed.  That I know for sure.
  I still smile and laugh and am happy most of the time.
I still enjoy all the same things I did before.
It's just different now.
Christmas Eve was horrible.
There was this giant elephant in the room that no one really wanted to mention.
We eventually all shared our tears and got through it together.
Christmas Day was better.
I can't explain why or what was different....but a mere 24 hours later and it was already a little easier.
Today I awoke and felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
We did it. 
The holidays are over and we all survived.
And you know what, I think I'm going to be ok.

15 comments:

d.a.r. said...

I've been thinking about you all weekend...hoping that it was quick and over with. Because I knew it would be hard and that the relief you would feel once it was over would be immeasurable.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. And have a blast this weekend celebrating your anniversary!! It's okay to have fun!

Brittany said...

You are so strong and so positive. Just from hearing stories from my mom, who lost her dad when she was pregnant with me, it takes a long time for the heart to heal. But when it does, you'll have peace. It's one day at a time. Thank the Lord for little Jamie!{{{hugs}}}

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

From what I've read on here, you seem to be really strong and handling the circumstances more than I ever think I'd be able to do. I'm glad to hear you got through the holiday!

Taryn said...

I was thinking about you over the holidays. Huge hugs are being sent your way!

Ashley said...

Aww I'm so so so sorry. I can't even imagine how difficult this is.

Melissa said...

I thought about you over the holidays. I know it had to be incredibly hard for you, but you got through it and you will be OK.

Gwen said...

The firsts are always hardest. And you're right...she's not here and that totally sucks!!! Let me know if you need anything. I'm here for you girl!

Jordan said...

I've been praying for you and your family. I know first holidays after a loss, especially one as awful as this, are so hard. I'm glad you guys got through it together, and I hope and pray for easier days to come. If there's anything you need, I'm here!

Jules said...

You were in my thoughts over Christmas weekend and you've been stronger than you even know. Sometimes you really do need to just let it out. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm thinking of you and if there is anything you need, I'm here to talk. Sending big hugs your way.

Deann said...

You are a remarkable young lady who learned a lot from her loving mother. Your little bundle of joy is a lucky guy. Hugs to you.

Brown Girl said...

You are going to be ok. You will figure out how to handle it in your own way, I hate it when people say dumb things that try and make you feel better, they don't get it...thinking of you...xoxo

Molly said...

I think you are so strong. I'm sure you're probably sick of people saying that but seriously. You are. Don't forget it, okay?

I'm still thinking of you and you're in my prayers. I don't know your pain but I know it can't be easy.

Lucky in Love said...

I can't even imagine going through what you're going through...especially during the holidays. But you're right. You made it! And I know you will continue to thrive not only for you but for your son. XOXO

Stephanie said...

Just sending you a ton of hugs and prayers!! You made it through one of the most difficult parts! My SIL lost her dad on Christmas Day 2 years ago. She misses him everyday and named our nephew for him, and she still cries, but even she'll admit, day by day, it somehow gets easier or really, day by day, you get stronger! Enjoy celebrating your anniversary this weekend!!!

Ashley said...

:( I'm so sorry that the end of 2010 has been so hard for you and your family. It's not fair and it sucks. But, you gto through what was probably bound to be the hardest time (the holidays). I'm glad that you're starting to feel a little better, and I hope that 2011 brings you all peace.