Monday, September 23, 2013

Fresh Start

I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a Monday.
To say last week was long would be the understatement of the century.
It was one long ridiculous roller coaster.
And the ride didn't end with a miscarriage.
Just 36 hours after losing one baby, I was checking my first baby in to Children's Hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed.
The surgery had been scheduled for weeks, yet the timing couldn't have been worse on my mama heart.  Though I will admit it did offer the perfect distraction from everything else.  It kind of let me push pause on all those pregnancy loss emotions and put them on the back burner.  And there they've stayed.  Friday a Big Brother shirt I had ordered for Jamie arrived.  A shirt I'd toiled over for days to make sure it was just right.  A shirt reading "Only Child: Expiring May 2014."  When I got the mail and saw the package I knew exactly what it was.  I took a deep breath, opened the envelope and prepared myself, but as I looked at that shirt I felt nothing.  I didn't shed a tear, I barely batted an eye.  I just put the shirt somewhere I wouldn't have to deal with it for awhile.  Kind of like I did with my feelings.  Not sure when they're going to boil over. I know I can't leave them shoved back there forever, but for the time being it's working for me.  And if it's not broke.  Don't fix it. 
So instead I consumed my weekend with mending my little patient instead of my broken heart.
We ate lots of ice cream and comfort foods.
I drank beer.
We watched lots of cartoons.
We stayed in our PJs all day.
We played golf in our slippers.
Hung out with my family.
Built crazy eyed Mr. Potato Heads.
We laughed.
It was actually pretty perfect.
And exactly what I needed.
But now I'm ready for normal.
Ready to get back into our regular routine.
Hopeful for a fresh start.



Shannon said...

I'm glad Jamie's surgery went well. Still sending you lots of hugs. Do whatever you need to do, there are no rules on how to deal with this kind of thing.

Molly said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. And that must have been really stressful to deal with all of that on top of the emotions you were already feeling! I hope you're able to grieve in whatever way helps you. Ice cream and beer does help :)

doodmama said...

So sorry for your loss. I haven't been on the bump so I miss everything now! I hope you will get a wonderful fresh start! Sometimes a day of cuddles and cartoons is what you need! (kdesi)

Censie said...

I am so sorry for your loss and the stress around it all. I think you dealt with it perfectly. I am glad that Jamie's surgery went well and everyone is doing okay. I hope that you can have a more normal week and a fresh start. Much love darlin...

Hilary said...

Aww, I'm glad he had them out now and he's doing well! I had them out two years ago and it was awful as an adult!!!

Melissa at Tall Blonde Blog said...

Great perspective to have! Glad you are both doing better :)

Katie Clooney said...

You poor thing. I feel terrible for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Katie Clooney said...

You poor thing. I feel terrible for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

Ok, so I just really caught up and wanted to tell you that I'm thinking and praying for you. I know this isn't easy and just want to send you virtual hugs.