Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Does this make my butt look big?

The answer?  Yes.  But stop blaming the pants.  Your butt looks big because it is.
So is your stomach.  And your thighs.  And your arms.
Sorry self.  The truth hurts.  But sometimes that's what you need to hear.
I've fallen off the wagon.
Hard.
It's so far gone I don't even remember what it looks like.
This is nothing new to me.  I've been dieting for as long as I can remember.
It started when I was 9.  Yes. 9.
The summer after 3rd grade I started to get a little pudgy.  I remember telling my mom I wanted to take Dexatrim.  Apparently even at a young age I was looking for a quick fix.  She took this as a wake-up call and enrolled me at a program at our local Children's Hospital so I could learn to lose weight the right way.  And that summer I did.  I started 4th grade at my goal.  I felt great.  I even got to be on my local news station who was doing a story on overweight kids.  I thought I was a celebrity.  Shortly after that, I fell back into my old ways and the pounds started to creep back on.
The yo-yo of my weight loss began.
My Junior year of high school I did Weight Watchers and lost 50 pounds.
I was the only teenager there amongst a group of postpartum and middle aged women.
I didn't care.  It was working.  I was losing weight.
It's the thinnest I've been in my adult life.  And the weight my driver's license still says, 12 years and many pounds later.  I like to think of it as my ultimate goal.
  I kept if off for the most part until my Sr year of college.
That's when I hit my highest weight.  (Until I gave birth to my son, but we're getting there)
After I graduated I jumped on the Atkin's bandwagon.
I ate bacon and eggs for breakfast.  Quarter pounders with cheese no bun for lunch.  And more sugar free candy than anyone should ever consume.  It was like the fat girls dream diet.  And it worked!  I lost 40 pounds basically eating crap.
A few years passed, a few more pounds found their way back.  The hubs and I did South Beach together.  A slightly more healthy approach to the low carb catastrophe I had done before.  I lost about 20 pounds, didn't reach my goal, but at least continued to maintain through our engagement.  Then Labor Day weekend hit.  Summer was over.  There were 4 months to our wedding and I was determined to lose more.  What bride doesn't?  So I started doing Slim Fast.  I was busy with work and wedding planning.  This required no thought.  No points to count.  No calories to consider.  Just a shake for breakfast, shake and turkey sandwich with carrots for lunch and a regular dinner.  Easy.  I didn't even follow it on the weekends.  I lost 20 more pounds and walked down the aisle weighing less than 200 pounds.  Which on an almost 6ft frame wasn't too shabby.   I looked good.  I felt good.
Our first few months of marriage I stopped doing slim fast and a few pounds crept back on.
Then we moved to Kansas City and a few more crept on.
Then I got pregnant.  I did great the first half.  Not gaining a thing.  I was eating healthy and determined not to blow up just because I was "eating for two."  Somewhere around the 30 week mark I threw that theory out the window and started living on ice cream, frosting, potato chips with ranch dressing and gummy worms.
You can imagine what that did to the numbers on the scale.
It was pretty gross.  Towards the end I just stopped looking.
My doctor never said a thing so I figured all was a-ok.
After lil man was born I quickly lost the baby weight and was back to what I weighed when I got pregnant.
Which if you recall, was still horribly overweight.  And none of my clothes fit even though I'd hit that magical pre-preggo number.
Things slowly shifted and even though I wasn't losing, I got back into my pre-preg jeans and went on when life.
Once spring hit I felt ready to start tackling the weight loss.
I was motivated.  Or so I thought.
I wrote a whole post about my plan.  My goals.  Then did nothing.
I'd gotten comfortable in my own skin and while I didn't like it, I'd just accepted it.
Finally around April I started Slim Fast again.  It had worked before.  I was a busy working mom with little time and it was easy.  I stuck with it for 6 weeks or so and lost 13 pounds.  I was on a roll.
Well then one weekend we didn't make it to the store.  I was out of shakes.  So I went out to lunch.  Then one day turned into two, turned into three and well now here I am.  Off the wagon.  My clothes starting to feel snug again.  I'm tired all the time.  I'm not motivated to do anything and I hate it.
I've been on a diet for nearly 20 years and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of the restrictions.  The ups and downs.
I want to make a change.  For good.  I want to teach my son good habits from the start.
I want to walk past a mirror and not be disgusted.  I want to look at myself in photos and actually like what I see.
But I don't know how. 

23 comments:

Jimmie said...

You don't know me (I found your blog from TB long ago...), but I've been reading, and I am soooo in the exact position!

My little girl was born in March, and even though I'm down to where I was pre-pg, numbers-wise, I still have a long way to go and nothing fits. I, too, have been dieting most of my life, and I don't want my daughter to go through the same. I want to set a good example, but I really suck at it.

If you want to talk more over email or anything, I'm here! kennedyj82@gmail.com

Stephanie said...

Oh friend, I hear ya! I feel like all I do it diet hop ;) Weeks of healthy eating and exercise until a long weekend, a crappy day or something else throws a wrench into my plan. Then its weeks of whatever I want to eat and not caring. Sigh.

When you figure out the answer to make it all work, please let me know!

Hugs to you!

Laura said...

I'm a fellow August Momma. I know exactly what you are talking about and get myself into horrible habits. The best advice I can give you is "everything in moderation" and always try to exercise. I know it seems stupid to say it but for me, the second I put myself on a diet is the second I binge uncontrollably. If I tell myself I can have 1 cookie instead of 2 or 3 and I can have 1 roll with dinner instead of (let's face it) 4 then I'm much more successful. It's the method that my great grandma lived by and has helped my grandma and mom stay fit and thin their whole lives.

Good luck to you in your weight loss!!

Jeremy, Censie and Jude said...

I feel the same way you do. I have always been heavy. I did the slimfast diet for 1 year about 4 years ago and I rocked it! I lost 55 pounds!!! Well then life got crazy, got pregnant and here I am again – needing to lose at least another 50 pounds. I am down 26 after using Medifast – it is expensive and at times hard to stay on program (I slip a lot) but it works. If you want more info I can help you decide if you really want to try it. Good luck – I know it sucks. I feel that way about mirrors all the time. Not fun. Hugs!

dave and jenn said...

The best thing I ever did was switch to non-processed and organic foods. You are what you eat! I eat pretty much whatever I want (in moderation, of course), but I make sure it's made with the best possible ingredients. High fructose corn syrup and preservatives don't break down in your body the way natural ingredients do. They're made to preserve, i.e. stay in your body! So they accumulate and stick with you over time. I'm not suggesting you become vegan or even vegetarian, but definitely try reading ingredient labels closely. If you don't recognize an ingredient in it, don't eat it. :) Just my two cents!

Legally Fabulous said...

I feel like I probably could have written this post myself.

I honestly can't think of a day since I was 13 where I wasn't counting calories or points or carbs or numbers on the scale or something.

And I never really had one of those "oh I gained 60 lbs during pregnancy" type of events in my life (uh duh, haven't had kids), but as I stand here at 26 years old and the highest I've ever weighed in my entire life, I know the feeling. For me it's been like a solid 5 lbs a year every year since I was 16. Which is normal for most people who were teeny tiny teenages, but when I was 16 i was on the VERY high end of what is considered a "healthy" weight for my height. And now I"m about 45 lbs over that.

Luckily most people would never believe I weigh as much as I do (at least that's what they tell me) (thank God for being 5'10"!).

I started weight watchers a couple weeks ago. I am down about 5 pounds so far. Which is great, because it's working, but I.AM.STARVING. All day every day I AM STARVING.
All I can think about is pizza and cheeseburgers and ice cream and everything that I could/would shove in to my mouth.

Sigh.
Wish I had advice, all I can do is commiserate!

stribble29 said...

I so know what you're going through. I love to eat. I think god really meant for me to be skinny but he had a sense of humor that day. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I joined weight watchers and that has been my saving grace....especially with the new points system. I also joined a gym and started doing spin classes which are AMAZING. It's just so hard taking the steps to start doing something about it.

Ashley said...

A lot of us feel the same exact way you do.

In my case, I have been trying to lose the weight I gained after turning 18 (7 years ago). I was at my lowest then and gained 40 pounds. I lost about 10 permanently but even before those 40 pounds I could of been 10-15 pounds lighter.

I've been trying to lose for years and gain it back. I'm going to start trying to have a baby in a month or so and am freaking out because I didn't lose weight yet. But if I waited on that, I may never have kids. :(

I'd love to lose as much as possible in the next 2 months. But knowing me... I won't.

I joined WW and when I track, I do great. Somehow tracking and planning ahead just doesn't happen enough. :(

Joel and Cindy said...

I'm not sure if you've heard of these options, but:
1) myfitnesspal.com (and if you have a Droid or an iPhone, there's an app for it.) You tell it your start weight, your goal weight, and when you want to reach that goal, and it tells you how many calories to eat per day. If you exercise, you tell it what you did, tell it how much water you drink, and it tells you how many calories you have left for that day. It has a database of TONS of different foods and figures out your calories for you. Shannon (lifeafteridew.com) highly recommends it :) (I'm pregnant, or I'd give you my opinion of it.)
2) Emealz.com plans your meals and shopping lists for you. Huge time and money saver. You can choose low-fat meals and I think low carb meals, as well as regular meals. It takes all the work out of menu planning, and they're pretty quick meals. You can also choose 2-3 people, so there's little left over. It does cost $5/month, but I've heard it's worth it.
Just a couple suggestions :) Good luck!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I used to feel the same way. Just so sick about how I felt. Hated myself in pictures. Sad about the body I just "had" and felt I had to live with. If you've lost 50lbs on weight watchers before? I'd say, you KNOW what success is. And that's amazing. A recovering alcoholic I know said other than the 12 step program, the only one that compares is weight watchers, as far as being manageable, having a life maintenance plan, etc. I have to agree. And unlike Miss Legally Fab (love her), I really am not starving all the time. At all. In fact food is kind of "meh" to me. I eat it to eat it, and I still have good yummy foods often. I wish weight watchers paid me, but they don't---but, it works. And its encouraging b/c you see results.

Gwen said...

I know how you feel. Ever since I quit smoking I can't seem to get back to my comfortable weight. I'll start to drop the pounds and start to feel better about myself and then I quit. Why do I do that? I've been on WW for 12 weeks now. I'm so close to my 10% goal I can almost taste it. I would already be there but I let myself slip for a few weeks in May. The best part is that you can slip and start back up. And you get so good at points it becomes second nature.

Its hard to get going on any weight loss progra but I know you can do it!!! I will be your own personal cheerleader! Just call me next time you plan on doing something crazy!!! SERIOUSLY!

jv726 said...

Hi! I just had a baby 10 weeks ago so I know what you mean about your body just being different. While I am almost back to my pre-preg weight things just don't fit the same and it is so frustrating.
Like Katie @ Loves of LIfe I have to say WW is totally worth it! It is a great way to make eating healthier and exercise a way of life and not just a diet. It helped me realize that even if I was eating something healthy, I was most likely eating way too much of it. Its a great system that really works and helps you keep it off. I lost 40lbs before I got pregnant and I plan on getting to my goal before I go and get knocked up again :)
Good luck to you! Just find something that works for you and stick with it!

Lacey said...

Amen sister! I don't have any major advice since I'm basically in the same boat but the one thing that has actually started working for me is having support of people around me. Usually when I diet, I don't tell anyone because I don't want them to know when I fail but now I'm doing WW with three of my best friends in the world and knowing that they are holding me accountable definately helps. Got anyone in KC that can take the journey with you?

loquita said...

I hope you don't mind me chiming in even though I've never commented before. I've been reading for a few months, since I found you by way of Allison's (I Heart Change) blog roll.

As someone who has struggled with poor body image and a terrible relationship with food, I wanted to send you some links to check out that have helped me get a new perspective on my struggles.

Basically, I have come to believe that it's not about diets or calories or carbs or fat grams or even the number on the scale -- it's about developing a loving relationship with myself, and with my body. It's about loving my body, accepting it and those two things fueling my desire to give my body the best care that I can.

You are searching for a new path, so I hope you'll take a look at what these bloggers have to say. I think it might help you find a sense of peace about your weightloss journey.

Radical Hateloss -- http://www.radicalhateloss.com/

I go through life in inches and pounds --
http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com/

Karen Anderson --
http://www.kclanderson.com/

*hugs*

ModernMom said...

Oh sweetie. I have no advice to give except this...from reading your blog I knkow you are an amazing Mama and wife. Hope you find a way to your happy place, the numbers don't matter, just being healthy and happy!
Hugs

Brittany said...

I'm totally with you and the weight just seems not to come off as easy as it used to. I'm doing WW now and it's coming off a pound or 2 a week, but that's just not enough. It's hard for me because I want results fast. I did the 17 day diet a while back and lost 5lbs in the first week. I need to do it again but just hate it. I don't want to live off turkey and chicken for 17+ days! I'm exercising A LOT more now..like 2-3 miles a day, so I'm hoping that will kick it into gear. Let me know what you decide! We should get a group and just email each other about all this.
ps. you're lucky you're so tall! I'm only 5'4'' so I feel like it looks so much worse and goes all to my legs!

Nikki said...

Oh Em...I think you have the right idea about focusing on Jamie. By making good choices for him and then doing the same yourself, you might see the changes you want. The best I ever did with weight loss was preparing for the wedding. I did that whole eat 5 small meals a day instead of 3 bigger ones. That really was the best for me because I never felt hungry and I think it helped me lose a lot of weight.

Good Luck!

Lindsey said...

I think you look great! I have been the same way my whole life. I did different kinds of diets and my weight was always up and down. While I would like to loose 15 pounds I have accpted myself as how I am.

I grew up with bad eating habits. If it is healthy I don't like it. I have tried so many times to change and nothing sticks.

If you figure it out please share. Honestly I think it is finding a happy medium and something that you can live with.

SweetSpiller said...

I'm in the same boat hun, I started out pregnant over weight and am still over weight 10 months after his birth. I'm learning about eating clean and I think my husband and I are going to do nutrisystem until we get a house. I'm rooting you on!

Molly said...

Okay, so I do not speak from experience but it hurts my heart to read a friend's blog and hear that you're hurting. That sucks and I'm so sorry you're feeling unmotivated.

I did want to pass along (in case you are interested at all in trying a new plan) my friend Jenni's blog. First of all I love her blog and I think you will too.

www.jennifromtheblog.com

She is doing something called medifast along with a bunch of other bloggers. They have all lost a lot of weight but they also have phone support and they all seem to be changing their lives and making good choices.

Just wanted to pass along a possible option.

Meredith Garrett said...

Diets don't work.

Just simply walk about 30 a day and you will start to get addicted to walking the more you do it.

That always worked for me. No magic, just consistency.

Calorie counting also works really well. Calorieking.com will show you what's in every fast food item.

Good luck and thanks for your honesty!!

Lucky in Love said...

Girl I totally feel your pain. And can I say that I still have the weight on my driver's license from high school when I was smaller. Yep. And I refuse to get my license renewed in Ohio (yes..I have been here for like 5 years) until I get there again.

Let's do it together, okay?? And I appreciate so much your honesty about your weight. I am inching close to being below the 200's and I'm getting so excited. But I was kinda embarrassed about posting about it because then it was admitting that I was in fact in the 200's. Oh the horror!! Ha! But like you I'm tall...5'11'' so I also feel like I've carried the weight fairly well. Relatively :) Ha!

John said...

I know a lot of folks who don’t eat eggs (they’re allergic, for health reasons, or concerns about animal cruelty). Here’s an awesome site that gives tips on cooking and baking without eggs: http://EggFreeLiving.com