Does this make my butt look big?

The answer?  Yes.  But stop blaming the pants.  Your butt looks big because it is.

So is your stomach.  And your thighs.  And your arms.

Sorry self.  The truth hurts.  But sometimes that's what you need to hear.

I've fallen off the wagon.

Hard.

It's so far gone I don't even remember what it looks like.

This is nothing new to me.  I've been dieting for as long as I can remember.

It started when I was 9.  Yes. 9.

The summer after 3rd grade I started to get a little pudgy.  I remember telling my mom I wanted to take Dexatrim.  Apparently even at a young age I was looking for a quick fix.  She took this as a wake-up call and enrolled me at a program at our local Children's Hospital so I could learn to lose weight the right way.  And that summer I did.  I started 4th grade at my goal.  I felt great.  I even got to be on my local news station who was doing a story on overweight kids.  I thought I was a celebrity.  Shortly after that, I fell back into my old ways and the pounds started to creep back on.

The yo-yo of my weight loss began.

My Junior year of high school I did Weight Watchers and lost 50 pounds.

I was the only teenager there amongst a group of postpartum and middle aged women.

I didn't care.  It was working.  I was losing weight.

It's the thinnest I've been in my adult life.  And the weight my driver's license still says, 12 years and many pounds later.  I like to think of it as my ultimate goal.

  I kept if off for the most part until my Sr year of college.

That's when I hit my highest weight.  (Until I gave birth to my son, but we're getting there)

After I graduated I jumped on the Atkin's bandwagon.

I ate bacon and eggs for breakfast.  Quarter pounders with cheese no bun for lunch.  And more sugar free candy than anyone should ever consume.  It was like the fat girls dream diet.  And it worked!  I lost 40 pounds basically eating crap.

A few years passed, a few more pounds found their way back.  The hubs and I did South Beach together.  A slightly more healthy approach to the low carb catastrophe I had done before.  I lost about 20 pounds, didn't reach my goal, but at least continued to maintain through our engagement.  Then Labor Day weekend hit.  Summer was over.  There were 4 months to our wedding and I was determined to lose more.  What bride doesn't?  So I started doing Slim Fast.  I was busy with work and wedding planning.  This required no thought.  No points to count.  No calories to consider.  Just a shake for breakfast, shake and turkey sandwich with carrots for lunch and a regular dinner.  Easy.  I didn't even follow it on the weekends.  I lost 20 more pounds and walked down the aisle weighing less than 200 pounds.  Which on an almost 6ft frame wasn't too shabby.   I looked good.  I felt good.

Our first few months of marriage I stopped doing slim fast and a few pounds crept back on.

Then we moved to Kansas City and a few more crept on.

Then I got pregnant.  I did great the first half.  Not gaining a thing.  I was eating healthy and determined not to blow up just because I was "eating for two."  Somewhere around the 30 week mark I threw that theory out the window and started living on ice cream, frosting, potato chips with ranch dressing and gummy worms.

You can imagine what that did to the numbers on the scale.

It was pretty gross.  Towards the end I just stopped looking.

My doctor never said a thing so I figured all was a-ok.

After lil man was born I quickly lost the baby weight and was back to what I weighed when I got pregnant.

Which if you recall, was still horribly overweight.  And none of my clothes fit even though I'd hit that magical pre-preggo number.

Things slowly shifted and even though I wasn't losing, I got back into my pre-preg jeans and went on when life.

Once spring hit I felt ready to start tackling the weight loss.

I was motivated.  Or so I thought.

I wrote a whole post about my plan.  My goals.  Then did nothing.

I'd gotten comfortable in my own skin and while I didn't like it, I'd just accepted it.

Finally around April I started Slim Fast again.  It had worked before.  I was a busy working mom with little time and it was easy.  I stuck with it for 6 weeks or so and lost 13 pounds.  I was on a roll.

Well then one weekend we didn't make it to the store.  I was out of shakes.  So I went out to lunch.  Then one day turned into two, turned into three and well now here I am.  Off the wagon.  My clothes starting to feel snug again.  I'm tired all the time.  I'm not motivated to do anything and I hate it.

I've been on a diet for nearly 20 years and quite frankly I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of the restrictions.  The ups and downs.

I want to make a change.  For good.  I want to teach my son good habits from the start.

I want to walk past a mirror and not be disgusted.  I want to look at myself in photos and actually like what I see.

But I don't know how.