One year later....

And I can still feel my heart pumping as I answered that late night phone call from the hospital.

I can still remember speeding to the hospital, begging God to let you be ok because I was only 29 and I wasn't ready to live without you.

I can still see the look on the Doctor's face as we walked through the doors of the ICU.

I can still hear the beeping of all the machines and the sound of the ventilator.

I can still remember the exact moment I knew you weren't going to make it.

A feeling of helplessness washing over me.

I can still feel the tears running down my face.

I can still see the look on dad's face when we decided it was time to say Goodbye.

I can still feel your hand as I watched you take your last breath.

I can still remember driving home, asking dad when the numbness would go away.

One year later and the pain and emptiness are just as fresh and raw as the first day.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you.

But I know that I will be ok. 

That somehow I got through this first year without you and I know I'll get through the next.



I Love you, always & forever.
xoxo
Em

{Almost} Wordless Wednesday

When you give a toddler a spoon....and some yogurt

The novelty of it only lasts so long....

Before they realize using their hand is WAY more effective in getting the maximum amount of food into their mouth.....

And all over their face.

I suppose I should be grateful he didn't fling it on the floor or at the walls.

I'm sure that time is coming.

Happy Wednesday Friends! 

We have a winner!

Thanks to everyone who entered my Shutterfly Giveaway yesterday!

This morning I put all your names in a hat and let my co-workers pick!

Here's the THREE lucky winners!

Moe from Love you a Million

Lacey from

And.....

Ashley Brooke from

Congrats everyone!

I will email you the codes later today!

Did someone just say Christmas....in October?

I'm breaking a pretty big rule here in the EyeCanSee household.

Talking about Christmas before we've even lit our Halloween pumpkins.

Tragic I know.

But now that we have all these uh-mazing family pictures, I've got to have some way to share them with all our family and friends.

Thank goodness for Shutterfly and their awesome Christmas cards!

Remember last years?  No?  Here let me remind you of it's awesomeness

Pretty cute huh?

Well I've already been busy scouring the pages of Shutterfly trying to pick one of my favorites to top it.

I'm usually a sucker for the montage photo cards, but I think this year I might pick a one photo card.  Mainly because I'm loving this design. 

Vintage Ribbon
Simple.  Festive.  Fun.  Retro.

Plus there's room on the back for more photos and space for you to write a word or two!

Perfect!

And since I'm a sucker for coordinating address labels, I think these would send our cards off in style!

Starlight Snowflake

If you haven't checked Shutterfly out before, you definitely should.  In addition to holiday items they have cards for all occasions from weddings to babies and everything in between.  And today is your lucky day because Shutterfly is offering 25 FREE cards to THREE lucky Worth the Squeeze readers.  All you have to do is leave a comment (followers only please:) and I will pick at random and announce the winners tomorrow.
Good luck and happy shopping!

***I was contacted by Shutterfly for this promotion and giveaway.  In return I was given 50 free cards***

The Great Pumpkin is coming

Last year we skipped a lot of the "ohmygod we have a kid now so lets do all these things our newborn won't care about" family activities.  AKA the Cider Mill and Pumpkin Patch.  Well this year I was DYING to go....you know, because our 14 month old will know the difference.  So yesterday we packed up the car and road tripped to Louisburg, KS to visit their infamous Cider Mill.  It was a gorgeous sunny day.  Every time we have one of those now, I cherish it, knowing it could very well be our last for a looong while.

We ate some Cider Donuts....

and drank some Cider.

Attempted to take a picture by the "How Tall" sign.  Easier said than done with a toddler.

Played in the hay

Picked a pumpkin

Played in the dirt....a lot.  I was just excited he didn't try to eat any of it.

Took a hay ride, where Jamie's eyes never left the tractor.  Or as he liked to call it "cah!" "cah!"  Apparently everything with wheels is a car, we're working on that.

And pulled the goats ears fed the goats.

All in all it was a great day!!  We brought home lots of goodies and have enough apple and pumpkin butter to last us a lifetime till next year! 

A little bit of this. A little bit of that.

• So awhile back I joined Molly's Fall Swap!  I got matched up with the fabulous Pinky B and last week a beautiful package showed up in my mailbox!  Ms B spoiled me for sure!  TWO amazing candles.  Fall has hands down some of the best smells!  Cinnamon, spice, pumpkin, apple cider....I love them all!  And now my house smells pretty darn good!  Some Godiva Chocolate Truffle coffee.  Two of my favorite things rolled into one?  Yes please!!  A FUN dark blue nail polish which oddly enough I had been looking for!  And last, but certainly not least, a leaf candy dish filled with my fave candy, Reeses!!  Let's just say between me and the hubs, they didn't last long and now my poor leaf sits alone and empty.  Thank you Pinky B for all my Fab-YOU-lous gifts!!

 

• Last week I got my hair done for the first time in SIX months.  I was so over being a Brunette.  It had faded and was pretty mousy and blah....I was ready for a little blond in my life again!  We put in some highlights and voila!  It feels so good.  While brunette was fun while it lasted, I think I'll always be a blond at heart.  We also cut off 2 1/2 inches.  Amazing how good a trip to the salon can make you feel!

• I keep hearing clips of Justin Bieber's new Christmas song on the radio.  And.....it's actually not bad.  His voice is changing and it has a bit of a Jack Johnson feel to it.  I even got the hubs to listen to it and admit it wasn't the worst song ever.  Maybe I have a little love for the Biebs in me after all.

• I'm due for a new cell phone and I can't decide.  I was all dead set on the HTC  Evo and then Sprint had to go and get the iPhone.  Now I'm torn.  Everyone keeps saying get the iPhone, it's fabulous, your life will never be the same....but eh, I'm just not sold on it yet.  The Evo is so thin, and light and has a nice BIG screen.  Android has WAY more free apps where, from what I've heard, Apple nickle and dimes you for everything.  Plus everyone is sold out of the 4S and I kinda want my new phone like yesterday.

• I broke down and joined Pinterest.  Mainly because I was hoping to get some good {P}inspiration for our family photos last week.  Eh.  I don't get it.  And I didn't find anything I was looking for.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong.  Now I keep getting notifications that people are "following" me.  I'm warning you in advance people, I only have one "pin" and I don't see anymore coming in the near future.  Sorry to disappoint.

• Last month I tried to be crafty and was then reminded why I don't do crafts.  You see, I went out and bought all the supplies to make a wreath for Halloween.  Half way through I ran out of ribbon and when I went back to the store, they were all sold out.  It then sat on my kitchen table, half finished, for weeks until I finally moved it downstairs to the junk room.  Craft fail. 

• Are you all keeping up on the Baby Lisa story?  The girls at work are all obsessed, watching the minute by minute live coverage and I've been sucked in.  I think part of the obsession has to do with the fact that it's all happening right here in KC.  Kinda brings it closer to home.  I feel bad for the parents, but stories like Kasey Anthony and JonBenet Ramsey automatically have me wondering if they had a part in it.  How does a baby just disappear without a trace??

• The Italian Beef Sliders from Tasty Tuesday were amazing.  Best new recipe I've made in a looong while!!  These will definitely be a new staple in our dinner rotation!  You HAVE to try them!

• I'm still LOVING my new position.  Great to be back in a clinical setting, plus the kids crack me up on a daily basis.  Just today a little boy brought me this picture.  Melts my heart.

Happy {almost} Friday Friends!

{Almost} Wordless Wednesday

So this past Sunday my dear friend {formerly known as} D.A.R took some family pictures for us.

It was an all around perfect morning and I am chomping at the bit to see how they turned out!!

Thankfully a few sneak peeks showed up in my inbox to tide me over.....eek can't wait to see the rest!

Happy *hump* Day Friends!

Tasty Tuesday ~ Italian Beef Sliders

Yesterday I went to the grocery store without a list.  Without a weekly menu plan.  This is usually a recipe for disaster and a bunch of half assed hodge podge meals.  I'm proud to say I left with the fixings for seven well executed dinners including TWO new on the whim recipes.  I was beyond excited.  (Don't laugh, sometimes it's the little things)

I have my local Hy-Vee to thank for this one.  They had a display right at the front doors with a recipe and ALL the things you would need right there.  Talk about a marketing trap that I fell right into, but when I saw how easy these would be....and my favorite word "Crock Pot" in the "how to", I was sold!  These bad boys are cooking as we speak and I can't WAIT to get home to try them out!

Italian Beef Sliders

what you need:

3lb Beef Roast

1 Good Seasons Italian dressing and recipe mix packet

1-jar pepperocini's (with liquid)

2 cans of beer

2 onions

Swiss Cheese

Buns
(I cut the recipe in half)

make it

Toss all ingredients into the crockpot and cook on high for 8 hours.  Put on buns with Swiss Cheese.

Seriously that's it.  Could it get any easier???

Bon Appetite!

He Said/SheSaid

He Said:  Did you fart?

She Said: No.

He Said: Yes you did.

           She Said: No really I didn't....

you know I'd own up to it.

He Said:  You would not. 
You think farts are disgusting.

She Said:  Only when you do it. 

When I fart it's hilarious..... 

 Only at the EyeCanSee house.
Happy Monday friends!

Dear Mom

I had a dream about you the other night.  The first one in a long time.

I had a lot in the beginning, but in all of them you were always alive.

Talking.  Laughing.  Living life like you should be.

This time was different.  This time you had already died.

It was pretty disheartening to wake up knowing that now even in my dreams you're gone.

That even in my dreams you're slipping away.

I was cleaning out the freezer the other day and found a tupperware of your lasagna.  The date written on top in your handwriting.  I pulled it out and looked at it, remembering how you made it right after I went back to work when Jamie was born so I didn't have to cook..  How I ate it for dinner (and sometimes lunch) everyday for a week straight until you finally packed up and froze the rest for later.  I went to throw it out, but couldn't do it.  I couldn't throw away one more piece of you.  Even if it was just some year old frozen lasagna I will never eat.  So I put it near the back to deal with another day.

Then there's the last outfit you bought for Jamie.  It's still hanging in the closet, only worn once because I couldn't bear to let it get messed up.  All year as he would outgrow the countless other things you'd picked out, I knew I always had this one last outfit.  But now it's time to pack that one away too.

Some days are harder than others.  This month seems to be full of them.  It's just not fair.  I miss you.

xoxo,

Em

From the desk of James David EyeCanSee

Well folks, I'm back!

And I've officially turned 14 months.

(No, you didn't miss my 13 month post....mom shorted me a month.  Hmph)

Anyways.  It's been pretty busy round here since my birthday.

I'm officially a full time walker.  No more crawling for this guy, that's baby stuff!  Took me about a month to figure out that whole standing up business, but by September I was off and running.  Literally.  Running.  Mama says if I slowed down, maybe I wouldn't fall so much, but what fun is that?  I've got places to go....people to see!  Stairs to climb!  Oh yes, the stairs.  Moms worst enemy.  I'd play on them all day if she let me.  Up.  Down.  Up.  Down.  Up....well you get the picture.  And heaven's forbid I go down the stairs in a safe manner, it's WAY more cool to go down like a big boy.  Sometimes I hold on, sometimes I just wing it.  Mom blames me for her grey hairs.

As I'm sure you heard, I've been teething for quite some time now.  I officially have one molar on the top with a 2nd getting ready to break through any day now!  It's made me a bit crazy.  And driven mama to drink.  Or maybe it's my new found attitude.  I pretty much like things my way and if you tell me any different I'm not afraid to throw myself on the ground, kicking and screaming in protest.  Hey, I just want to make sure everyone knows what's up....and getting my diaper and or clothes changed is NOT how I want to spend my time.  Sorry mom.

On a happier note, I've also done some pretty awesome things lately.  Figure I better throw mom and dad a bone so they think they're doing something right as parents!  I've officially said my first word besides no, ok and uh-oh.  Car.  Or as mama likes to point out "Cah" cause talking with a Boston accent is way more sophisticated.  Duh.  As for the rest of my babble...it's still Greek to them.  While I might not be belting out sentences yet, I am understanding a ton.  Everyday mom tests me to see what new thing I've learned.  I pretty much amaze her every time.  I will go to the bath, get a book (and numerous other toys), go to my highchair, open/shut doors, "let's go" and many more things.  All on command!  Mama says it's like playing fetch.  Thanks, comparing me to a dog, I see how it is!  I'm also actually playing with my toys now instead of just chewing and throwing them everywhere.  I try to match up my shape blocks to the right holes, I put the phone up to my ear and just gab away, I shoot hoops with my basketball and drive my cars around, even making the car sounds!   I'll even read books....well sorta, I flip through the pages and point at everything.  Close enough though right??  And the best part?  I will help clean up now!  Mama loves that part and I think it's a game!  As for favorites?  Definitly cars (obviously), books and the swing out back I got for my bday.  Everyday mama lets the dog outside and I make a bee line for it....begging to get in.  She pretty much obliges everyday, I mean really....could YOU resist this face??

I'm wearing a mix of everything.  All my 12 mos and 6-12 month summer stuff is still fitting, though if this warm weather keeps up I'm going to be in trouble because it's all getting smaller by the day!  My fall clothes are all 18 mos and 12-18 month with a few 24 mos sleepers thrown in.  Most of it is still HUGE on me, so fingers crossed it lasts awhile.  If I ever fit into it, that is!  For being so tall, mama is confused why she has to roll the waist AND the cuffs just so I'm not tripping over myself.  I'm also still rocking the size 4 or 5 shoes and the middle setting on all my diapers.

I've developed some separation issues lately which has been hard on everyone.  There are days when I want to be carried constantly.  Don't even think about putting me down or a tantrum will be soon to follow.  Also makes drop off at daycare a bit more interesting.  Mom's sure glad she only does it sometimes, because it's way more fun to pick me up when I'm happy and smiling then to tear my death grip off her leg so she can leave.  I've also decided that sometimes it's lonely in my room at night.  So I get up around 2 and scream until someone comes in to save me.  It's fun times for everyone.  I've also formed a strong attachment to my blankie and my paci.  When mom isn't looking I sometimes sneak them out of my room.  Like she isn't going to notice the white tail following me down the hall.  That mom, she's one smart cookie, I can't get anything past her!

Well folks.  I guess that's it.  Until next month!      

Not everyone wants to be June Cleaver

A few weeks ago I took Jamie to a Gymboree class. I was so excited to have found one in our area...and on a Saturday no less. A working mother's dream come true!  I couldn't wait for some mommy and me time.  I was also hoping to maybe meet a cool mom friend or two. Instead I met a nice enough mom, and then I lied to her. It was a little white lie, but a lie nonetheless. One I've told a few times before. You see upon meeting this mom, I told her how I was glad they offered Saturday classes for us working moms. She stared at me with a look of horror on her face. Had I said something wrong? She immediately responded with a snarky tone, I don't work....I'm a full time mom. Oh, I said, you're so lucky I wish I could stay at home too. And there it was. The lie. It kinda just happened. Like word vomit to avoid the judging that was brewing in her mind.  Truth be told, I don't want to be a stay at home mom.  However when I say it out loud, women look at me and my child with pity in their eyes.  How could any mother possibly WANT to work?  Surely if she could quit, she would. 
I feel like I'm an anomaly in the working mom world. Everyday I read blogs and talk to women who would give anything to quit their jobs and stay at home. Not me, I actually like what I do and if given the opportunity to quit, would probably still work at least a day or two. I had a whole life, a career, before my son was born.  I worked hard for four years in college to achieve my dream. Why should my new role as a mommy mean leaving my old identity behind? Why can't I be both?

I used to think there I was missing some vital "mom" gene for thinking this way. For not wanting to spend every waking, breathing moment with my child.  For having a baby knowing full well he'd *gasp* be a daycare kid, causing women everywhere to clutch their pearls.  Was I being a bad mom?  Was I doing the wrong thing?  Should I want to stay home?  But then I realized, being a mom is like everything else. There's no right or wrong way to do it.  Just do what's best for you and your family. And this?  This just works for us. I like the balance we've found.  I like the independence I get at work.  It helps me maintain a little piece of "Emily" before she became "Jamie's mom."
 Do I sometimes feel like I'm burning at both ends? Yep, doesn't every mom? Are there days when I drop Jamie off and he's clinging to my leg, begging me not to go, that I want to just scoop him up and run back home, never returning to work again? Sure. I'm not heartless. I'm still a mom who loves her son more than anything in the world. But most days he runs in, not giving our goodbye a second thought. Are there days when my house is a mess and we eat cereal for dinner because sneaking in a trip to the park or a few more snuggles with Jamie was more important? You better believe it. Because working outside the home doesn't make you a part time mom, you still do that full time too.

So do I think that other mom is lucky to be a SAHM? Absolutely. Because that's what she wants. That's what works for her.  But next time when I get those sad "Oh....she's a working mom" looks, there will be no little white lies, because I'm proud of what I do. Proud of the choice I made. And in my opinion, that makes me a pretty great {working} mom.

Tasty Tuesday: Creamy Chicken Parmesan

So not only did I cook something last week that wasn't Hamburger Helper or frozen waffles....I actually tried a new recipe.  Shocked?  I know, me too!  I needed something new to do with chicken, so I headed off to my friends at Kraft.com and perused their top chicken recipes until I found this winner.  It was a recipe for two, but you could easily double it for more.  The husband gave it two thumbs up, it's one of their healthy living choices and it was fairly easy for a week night meal so I think we'll try it again soon!  Enjoy!

Creamy Chicken Parmesan

what you need:

3 Reduced Fat Ritz crackers, finely crushed

2 Tbsp Grated Parmesan cheese

2 small boneless chicken breasts

1 can fat free, reduced sodium chicken broth

1/4 c water

1/2 c orzo pasta, uncooked

1 tsp oil

2 oz low fat cream cheese

1 c mixed vegetables (corn, carrots, peas and green beans) thawed

make it

MIX cracker crumbs and 1T Parmesan on small plate.  Rinse chicken; dip in crumb mixture, turning to coat evenly.

BRING 1 cup broth and water to boil in medium saucepan on medium-high heat.  Add orzo; simmer on medium low heat 9 minutes or until most of the liquid is absorbed and orzo is tender.  Meanwhile, heat oil in large nonstick skillet on medium heat.  Add chicken, cook 5-6 min on each side or until done.  Remove chicken from skillet.

ADD cream cheese and remaining broth to skillet.  Bring to boil on medium heat, stirring constantly.  Simmer 3 min or until thickened.  (I also added garlic, cause, who doesn't like garlic)  Meanwhile, add vegetables to orzo mixture, simmer 2 min.

SPOON orzo mixture onto two plates; top with chicken.  Stir remaining Parmesan into sauce, spoon over chicken.

Bon Appetite!

A better ending would have been nice

Last year when it was official that the Huskers would be joining the Big 10, my sweet talking to score some tickets to the Ohio State game began!  Not an easy task for a Buckeye Grad when all of her family are Huskers through and through.  Luckily my dad's sister took pity on us and gave up two of her seats.  Mission accomplished!  We were stoked! 



Memorial Stadium. Where it all went down

So, Friday evening our little family of three loaded into the car and began our trek to Nebraska.

We stay Friday night in Omaha with my aunt, then after dropping Jamie off with one of my best friends, were off to Lincoln.



Your eyes do not deceive you.  I am in fact wearing {what used to be} my lucky buckeye hat.  Apparently the 2003 National Championship game used up all the luck, cause it brought none on Saturday.



We tailgated.  We enjoyed some friendly heckling with their fans and even found a few fellow Ohio Staters.   It was a good day.  Until the game happened.



At least we had kick ass seats

The first half was great!  We pretty much dominated the field and left the Huskers wishing they had stayed in the Big 12.  Well shortly after our QB got injured, the tables turned....and well, let's just say the ending wasn't so pretty and we left with our Buckeye's hanging low.



You know how you can tell we took this at the beginning of the game?  We're still smiling.

Welcome to the Big 10 Nebraska, consider this win a Big 12 parting gift.  Next year you're in our house and I don't think we'll be so accommodating!

And on a completely unrelated note.  Yesterday we went to my friend's little girls 1st Birthday party and I snatched this quick pic on her front porch.  Who is this little boy and what did he do with my baby??

One more step towards a crunchy life

As if cloth diapering didn't make me granola enough....I've taken it one step further.

I bought an Amber teething necklace.

Go ahead, laugh if you must.  Even I don't always recognize the holistic, hippy mom I've become, but when you've been dealing with a teething toddler, non stop, for TWO months and only have ONE new tooth to show for all the pain and suffering...you'll try just about anything.

Honestly, I was getting tired of giving him Tylenol and Motrin constantly.  Might as well have tapped a vein as often as we were giving it.  When his eyes lit up like Christmas at the mere sight of the bottle, his hands clapping, his mouth opening like a little bird....I decided we needed to find something new.

I bought some of the "black market" Humphrey's Teething tablets now that they're back on the shelves.  They work OK....better than orajel which was a big waste of time, but not the relief I was hoping for.

I had seen several of the moms on my cloth diapering message board talk about these teething necklaces, so I looked into it.

Amber is a natural pain reliever.  When worn, the warmth of the skin causes succinic acid to be released, helping with all sorts of pain.  Arthritis.  Back pain.  And yep you guessed it, teething.  The amount of positive reviews and testimonials I found was astounding....enough for me to click "Add to basket" and check out faster than you can say "molars are the devil."

There are several different ones you can choose from in a variety of shapes and colors.  They say the lighter the stone, the more succinic acid it contains, making it slightly more effective than the darker ones.  I went with a multi-colored one since the light butter yellow was sold out.  Figured this way, I was at least getting some of the lightest stones.

 We've only had it a few weeks and unfortunately daycare won't let him wear it there.  Said it's a choking hazard.  I tried to explain that each stone is individually knotted so if it were to break, the most that would come off is one stone....but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.  They already think I'm a little crazy, what with the cloth diapering and all.  I think this was too much for them.  Disappointed, I gave in without much of a fight.

I wasn't giving up all together though, at home it's pretty much on all the time.  At night I put it around his ankle, and on the weekends he wears it 24/7.  I honestly can't say I've noticed a HUGE difference.  Certainly not the night and day turn around some people claim, but a big part of me knows that not wearing it consistently probably has a lot to do with it.  I can say however, that we've definitely stopped giving Motrin as much.  So to me, that's worth it.  Plus the darn thing is pretty cute.  I can't believe how many people comment on it when we're out!

Have any of you tried one??  What are your teething lifesavers?