Friday, July 24, 2009

It's not always puppies and rainbows

Sorry in advance for the downer post....but I'm kind of in a downer mood, so if the shoe fits right?

So as most of you know the hubs and I are living apart for awhile until I can move to Kansas City. I don't do long distance very well. I don't deal with change very well. It tends to bring out my horrible negative side. A side I'm not very proud of. As a defense mechanism when I'm sad, I tend to pick fights with the people I care about in this case, my husband. Everyday we talk on the phone and everyday I ultimately ruin these phone calls by fighting about something small, trivial and most often ridiculous. I guess in my crazy mind if I'm angry, I can't be sad. And somewhere along the line I've decided dealing with anger is easier than dealing with sadness. Horrible right? But it's how I've been as long as I can remember and old habits die hard. Well this morning, after one of our typical horrible phone calls, I awake to this in my email box.

So everyday I sit at work thinking about talking to you at night,
I try to remember everything that has happened to me today so I can tell you when we talk.
You sound so cheery and excited to hear my voice,
I know you have so much to say and don't know where to start.
Deep down I know you wish you didn't have to tell me this way,
These things are better said in person.
Laughter soon gives way to silence,
Everything has been said.
The conversation has shifted.
Laughter gives way to sadness,
Sadness gives way to anger.
This is not how I wanted the conversation to go.
This is not something that was planned.
What I look forward to the most everyday
Is now tarnished by some small thought.
How could something so small cause this much trouble?
How could something so small cause so much tension between us?
This is what I think about before I go to sleep.
This is what causes me to stay awake.
Having this kind of conversation everyday is tiring.
Especially when it's with your best friend.
I love my best friend.
My best friend is my wife.
I hope these conversations end soon,
Because I only want to hear what makes my best friend happy.
Everyone is made up of negative things,
But those things eventually turn to good.
There can be no set time for this,
Only time will tell.
I have nothing but time,
Because I will always have my best friend.
I love you.
Talk about a wake up call. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this man. Someone who will put up with all my crap and still love me at the end of the day. Cause that's what love is after all. Unconditional.


Mrs. A 2009 said...

Oh my gosh, I experience this same thing when my husband goes out of town. Not only when he's away but as soon as I know he's leaving something in me tries picking small little fights all the time. When he's away I leave our phone conversations filling a little empty. I am learning it is definately mind over matter. Good luck! I hope you get to him soon.

The New Mrs said...

He truly seems like a great guy! Hubby and I did long distance when we first started dating, and it was the hardest thing we ever had to go through. Hope you can move very soon to be with him :)

d.a.r. said...

Sounds like a pretty awesome hubby. I hope yalls stress is over soon and you two are back together!

the future mrs Hinz said...

that is the sweetest thing! you are a very lucky woman :) cheer up! matt and i did long distance for 7 months and its NOT easy. its the little things that matter most at these times. start trying to spice things up a little. send him a note in the mail every week. send him a care package of everything that would remind him of YOU while you are apart :) just some thoughts! happy friday.

Brittany said...

awww, that is so sweet!! I tend to pick fights when I'm sad too. You just can't help it. It's wonderful that he is so understanding. I would look at this distance as the opportunity to make your marriage even stronger. They say the first three years are the hardest. If you can get over this hump, I think that is a great accomplishment for the two of you :)

Ashley Pizarro said...

You have one amazing hubby! I know exactly how you feel though...we did the long distance thing for a little bit and it was hard...I always ended up being mad/sad in the convo. It wasn't very fun! Just remember he loves you and wants you to be happy! That's what matters! :)

Tracy-Girl said...

I completely understand why you pick fights with the people you love most... its because you know he will always love you no matter what! That is the sweetest email ever... he seems so understanding. How much longer do you guys have to live apart from eachother. I think there is a good chance it is making you stronger, you will love being back in each others arms so much... and you will always remember how you felt while you were apart!

cassi rash said...

Long distance is the pits. It just stinks. But, that was such a sweet e-mail from your hubby. Don't you just love it when they make your day?

skinnybitching said...

what an amazing guy! my husband and i did long distance for a year while i was still in school and he had graduated. it sucks and it's horrible and one of the hardest things we've ever been through, so i can relate to what you're feeling... but, just keep reminding yourself that you'll be together soon and the distance isn't forever! hang in there :)

Annie said...

aw, that was so sweet!
your hubby seems amazing!
stay strong hun! i hope you get to move to be with him soon! this will only make you two stronger and the love between you deeper. try to remember this is hard for him as well.
have a wonderful weekend :)

The Friendly Skies said...

Awwwww, I want to cry! that is amazing. I don't do long distance either!!!! Remember me in Australia... not good! I feel you... it is easier to get angry... angry that you are missing out on things he is doing, things you could be doing together...
It is hard, but it will end and you will get through it together... anyone can tell by that email!!!

Good luck with the rest of your time, and feel free to vent anytime. It is the great thing about blogging, people don't expect cheery and perfect posts all the time. :)

Brown Girl said...

Oh my, that was so sweet. I don't do long distance well at all. M and I have never been apart more than a few days...I hope it goes by quick!

Life at the White House said...

Obviously (according to the twelve or so others who have already commented), you are not alone with acting this way!

Being apart is just hard - it makes it so much easier to get frustrated with one another when you literally can't see eye to eye to be able to tell their mood and expressions.

Sounds like he acknowledges all of that and loves you dearly. Soon enough, y'all will be together and all will be better!!

Mia Schelle said...

holy crap best friend. that totally made me tear up! how did you get so lucky?!

Jules said...

You have definitely found yourself a keeper. He does love you unconditionally and you will be together again soon. It's so funny that you say it's easier to start a fight than be sad. I tend to do the same thing when hubby goes out of town for long periods of time. I don't deal well with change at all. It is a flaw in my personality I wish I dealt with better.

Stephanie said...

Thanks for finding my blog so I could find your's! This hit home with me. I've gotten better, but when the FI would go out of town it was horrible - almost better not to talk than end in fights. Again, I've gotten better about it, but I am the same way with things and especially when we fight about his family. We should be consoling each other because his fam isn't the nicest to either of us, but instead I turn to anger which he doesn't get. Your hubby sounds amazing, what a sweet reminder to have on those days when you try feeling anger instead of sadness.