I remember back in January when I started this whole journey, looking back at pictures from before our wedding and thinking how skinny I looked. And how foolish I was back then to think I was fat. That I would kill to be that "fat" now. That would make me happy.
Well.
Here I am.
That "fat."
And I still don't always feel any less fat than the girl from 73 pounds ago.
I guess by now I thought I'd be happier with my body.
Have more self confidence.
The truth of the matter is I don't.
Whenever anyone compliments me, the first words out of my mouth are almost always, "Yeah, I'm better than I was, but I still have xxx amount to go!"
And I'm 100% sure my husband is sick of hearing me pick myself apart every.single.day.
Talk about a turn off.
We're getting ready to take some new family pictures and I thought I knew just what I wanted to wear.
A pair of colored skinny jeans, chambray shirt and boots.
You know. The new blogger uniform.
I was going to rock it!
I was so confident I went out and bought said outfit without even trying it on.
I came home, put it on, and was frightened by what I saw.
Colored denim must be made for people with no thighs. Or cellulite. Because I felt like each and every dimple on my ass was now just highlighted by mustard colored jeans. It was bad.
The shirt was ok. But it was loose and kind of just hung there giving me no shape whatsover. A look apparently thin people can pull off, but not me. I tried it with a belt, but it just got more awkward.
It kind of blew the wind out of my sails.
I was seriously bummed.
Ever since I just can't seem to shake the "woe is me" fattitude. (yes I just made that word up)
All I can focus is on is how much more I have left.
And then I wonder, when I finally reach that magical number...then will I be happy?
What if it's still not good enough.
In my head I know how much I've accomplished. I can see the numbers in black and white. Now I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.
I need to remember this is a journey, not a race.
And I need to be proud of how far I've come, not beat myself up for the road that still lies ahead.
10 comments:
I think you're onto something here. Focusing on how far you've come and not how far you have to go. There are many people who won't even try to better themselves.
I've also heard that when one starts a weight loss journey they uncover their emotions as the pounds drop. I think you're there. You're figuring out who you are and how you feel about yourself as you lose weight. And although your thoughts might not be pretty at least you can face them head on.
I can seriously relate to all of this. I have been there on the weightloss journey myself. And I have felt those same emotions or doubts even when I reached my "goal".
Truly, I'm not sure that I will ever fit a pair of skinny jeans no matter what I weigh. I think they probably aren't meant for a girl with a shape like me (read: thighs)
But please please believe me when I say YOU LOOK AMAZING. I know as you get closer and closer to your goal you will look "even better". But girl, you look awesome now - so don't let that go unnoticed. :)
I think you look awesome and I'm sure you will find a killer outfit for your pictures.
And for the record I don't own nor do I plan to own a chambray (why aren't they just called denim?)shirt. I don't really get the hype over them.
Fattitude. How is this not a word already?? It's definitely going to be from now on I bet! Because there is such truth in that word.
I lost 17 which, by no means, is near as awesome, motivating, and amazing as 73 but I'm with you. I lost 17 and I clothes that I've saved for 8 years (!!!) are baggy on me now but I don't feel any less fat. I look in the mirror in my clothes (even the ones that are too big!) and don't like me. I'm not sure why that is but it's not just you.
I have no idea if I'll like me either once I finally get to goal. But here is to hoping that A. I get there and B. I do.
I know you follow Katie @ Loves of Life. She ended up liking where she was before goal. Maybe we will too? Here's to hoping!
I really really really like this post. There are some days where I feel like I've come so far and then there are other days where all I can think about is how far I've got to go. The latter type of days are the days that push me forward and make me think about what this journey means to me. But I have to admit, more often than not, I still see the fat girl I was 53 pounds ago, more than I see the girl I am today. I kinda wonder if it is because we see ourselves every day and since we're our own worst critics, it only exacerbates the problem.
When you figure out how to get past the fattitude, I want you to write another post on what clicked for you.
Just keep going! Working hard will pay off!
This is a great post! You look really awesome and you've worked SO hard! Don't be so hard on yourself!
Some trends just aren't meant for some people. I love the colored skinny jean trend too, but I have thighs and an ass on me and I know it would look AWFUL on my body type. I can pull off regular skinny jeans with boots over them, but that's as far as I can take it. Sure, I wish I could wear the colored denim, but it's just not going to work for me and I'd rather look good in normal jeans than like an ass in colored ones lol.
I actually remember this point. I thought I couldnt' really much further (although you know you can)...and I was just kind of annoyed and frustrated at the whole thing. When I really should have been amazingly proud of everything, yet i still poked and prodded at my jiggy belly. Can I just tell you something? I tried on the rockstars in colored denim and they were disgusting looking on me. I had to wear 3 sizes bigger too (talk about EGO pop) and I was ticked. I looked awful. Like, disgusting, cellulite-shown-through, grossness. I think those things are awful. The only pair I have that are colored and I like are from walmart (GO FIGURE)...and cheap. And chambray shirts are stupid so I'm glad you aren't wearing it. They give NO shape and it's true..they are meant for rail-thin girls. Fuhgetttabout it. Now go buy a kick-ass outfit. Can't wait to see your fall pics!
The title of this post made me smile... and then the blogger outfit comment made me laugh. I think I am the last person in the world without boots and skinny jeans.
Can we make up our own blogger style? Workout pants and fun tops?!
I think you look great and I love the quote from Pinterest! I'm guilty of feeling like I've never done enough in exercising, parenting, wifing, etc.
And colored skinnies? Yeah, I bought some last year and the two times I've worn them I felt like my skin was going to explode. Not a fan. They're cute and all, but they are for one body type and that type is NOT mine.
Keep your chin up! You're awesome!
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