Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I remember back in January when I started this whole journey, looking back at pictures from before our wedding and thinking how skinny I looked. And how foolish I was back then to think I was fat. That I would kill to be that "fat" now. That would make me happy.
Here I am.
And I still don't always feel any less fat than the girl from 73 pounds ago.
I guess by now I thought I'd be happier with my body.
Have more self confidence.
The truth of the matter is I don't.
Whenever anyone compliments me, the first words out of my mouth are almost always, "Yeah, I'm better than I was, but I still have xxx amount to go!"
And I'm 100% sure my husband is sick of hearing me pick myself apart every.single.day.
Talk about a turn off.
We're getting ready to take some new family pictures and I thought I knew just what I wanted to wear.
A pair of colored skinny jeans, chambray shirt and boots.
You know. The new blogger uniform.
I was going to rock it!
I was so confident I went out and bought said outfit without even trying it on.
I came home, put it on, and was frightened by what I saw.
Colored denim must be made for people with no thighs. Or cellulite. Because I felt like each and every dimple on my ass was now just highlighted by mustard colored jeans. It was bad.
The shirt was ok. But it was loose and kind of just hung there giving me no shape whatsover. A look apparently thin people can pull off, but not me. I tried it with a belt, but it just got more awkward.
It kind of blew the wind out of my sails.
I was seriously bummed.
Ever since I just can't seem to shake the "woe is me" fattitude. (yes I just made that word up)
All I can focus is on is how much more I have left.
And then I wonder, when I finally reach that magical number...then will I be happy?
What if it's still not good enough.
In my head I know how much I've accomplished. I can see the numbers in black and white. Now I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.
I need to remember this is a journey, not a race.
And I need to be proud of how far I've come, not beat myself up for the road that still lies ahead.