Monday, March 11, 2013

When's my turn?



Right after Jamie turned two I got the fever.
The baby fever.
Bad.
Real Bad.
But we decided it wasn't time.
We still had a few ducks to get in a row.
So we picked March as the go time for Baby EyeCanSee 2.0
It gave me plenty of time to get to my weight loss goal.
Jamie would be 2 1/2 and moving into the preschool room {hello HUGE price break!!}
During open enrollment I signed up for short term disability so I could actually take 12 weeks off {PAID!!!} this time around instead of the 6 unpaid weeks I got last time.
We'd have some more big bills paid off so we could swing two in daycare.
It meant having a winter or spring baby so I wouldn't have to be SUPER pregnant during the summer again.
Most importantly...
We were ready.
Ready to expand our family.
Everything seemed to be falling into place.
All I had to do was patiently wait a few more months.
And then the hammer fell.
I lost my job.
And everything went out the window.
And now here it is.
March.
And let it be known there will be no attempted baby making going on this month.
I'd be lying if I said my heart wasn't broken.
Of all the crap that's come with unemployment,
this probably stings the most.
I'm trying to put my focus into something else.
If letting Jillian Michael's kick my ass for the next 30 days keeps my mind off it?
So be it. 
I'm trying to be excited that I will get to enjoy my new skinny physique this summer instead of trying to dress a growing bump.
I'm trying to listen to my husband who says it's not the end of the world.
That we will get our time.
But I just can't shake the no baby blues.
I feel like the clock is ticking.
I'm not getting any younger and we had a plan!
Well, you know what they say.
When you make plans, God laughs.
Well He's having a good chuckle up there over this one then.
I sure wish I knew what His plan was.
Maybe it would help put my mama heart at ease.
It doesn't help that it seems the entire world is pregnant.
Or recently had a baby.
Each announcement that comes my way is one more reminder that won't be us anytime soon.
I can't help but sit here and wonder....
when's it going to be my turn?

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10 comments:

Moe said...

I wish I could give you a huge hug. I'm so sorry.

I know I've only been married for like a hot second - but I feel the same way about the pregnancy announcements. It feels like everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. And while I'm so excited for all of them my heart hurts a little more with each announcement that comes. :(

Katie said...

I hear ya! It's so funny that everyone tries and "plans" for this kinda of thing and then reality kicks in! It's so frustrating. Hoping you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon! I'm positive there is a plan.

Erin Reissig said...

Aaaah, that dang baby fever. I wish I had something to say that could help... I'm right there with you. It sucks. But you are right... You have to find some comfort in the bigger plan He has for you and your family... Not very much help. Stay strong, Sista! It'll be time again soon.

Noe said...

I hear you! I feel your pain... We are TTC for the 1st time for almost 1.5 years now and with no luck whatsoever... it's painful... it hurts!.... May the lord ease your heart Moma! I try to remind myself daily that it is his time, not our time...

Shannon said...

I'm sorry you ate having to wait, hopefully you will find a good new job and be able to start baby making in the next couple months.

Gina said...

I'm sorry, friend. Our pastor just talked about unexpected rough times and it was very helpful to me. If you want the link to the podcast, let me know. XO

Not So Newlyweds said...

"When you make plans, God laughs." You are preaching to the choir but in a little different way. While we are so thankful to be having our first child, I told a million people "I just don't want a fall baby. Anything but fall". Guess when I'm due? August. God definitely laughed at that one. But it's taught me that my life doesn't revolve around my schedule and that I'm not going to get what I want. I've also had to give up my control with school. I know it's better this way even though it was hard on me at first.
Your time will come, I just know it. You have worked so hard and are looking FABULOUS! Maybe God just wants you to enjoy it for a little while. I'll be keeping you in my prayers and I know baby #2 will be on its way!

Kathy said...

here's hoping things turn up for you so you can start working on your second bundle of joy. in the meantime, have fun with fitness and get that summer bod ready!

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I so could have written this. So with you on this one friend. Someday right?!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I can totally relate to how you feel but with getting married. I keep asking when is it going to be my time?!? Hang in there girl!